TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're chatting Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be incredible. Large!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed in the putting eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've had attractive ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and totally outside of location. Intended by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour till the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But yes, guaranteed, let's have An additional place the place American Males can put on robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although preceding negotiations failed below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is simpler: offer you All people a collection on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly soft electrical power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Just about every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest mentioned, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It can be that he ought to quit working with it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the task, replied, "You realize, male, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping varieties a large Trump head obvious from Area, a aspect getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as the chin is… very well, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after getting the developing's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It really is not just unappealing. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Features


Perhaps the strangest element in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium the place guests may perhaps ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Tactic: "In the event you Bomb It, They'll Appear"


The ad marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is For good."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "where by's the closest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is now attracting consideration from Worldwide buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional stage will even include:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to find out a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a hotel wherever my PTSD may have turn-down service."


One more submit from @KuwaitiKardashian just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences propose:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Ideas from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It desired gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as Constitution. I gave it all 3. You might be welcome."

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